Summer is a very nostalgic time for me. The warm weather and allergic blooms bring back fond memories of summer camps, family vacations, and long days at the pool.
You know what’s not part of that nostalgia? Hemorrhaging money. Just attaching a funnel to our bank account and watch dollars get sucked into the ether. Taking fat stacks of cash out into woods and coming back with no stacks of cash because something bad happened in those woods.
We haven’t done any summer travel. The kids aren’t enrolled in any summer programs. I’m not even sure if summer’s started yet or not, but the weather got warmer and the ice cream purchases have tripled. The opportunities to spend have increased ten fold, and my ability to ignore those opportunities is waning.
Nevertheless, I’m committed to finding the cheapest way to parent, and I believe summer can be survived without defaulting on a mortgage or selling organs you’d planned on keeping in your body.
Here are six great ways to have fun in the sun without being funny with your money. Hahahaha great job, me!
1. Hike Several Miles to a Creek
We have a selection of swimming pools in our town, but all of them cost money by way of a membership or a daily entry fee. Fortunately, water was invented before capitalism and there are still a couple ways to access the ancient version.
One option is the cold, briny ocean. The drawbacks are driving distance to the ocean and how easy it is to lose a kid in the waves. At just under three feet tall, my daughter disappears real fast in choppy surf.
For these reasons, the second option—a nearby creek, stream, river, or brook—might be the best and safest choice. If you walk far enough downstream, you can find a natural swimming hole. If you go early enough in the season, the swimming hole water might not be disgusting yet.
River beds are inherently fun for kids. They’re full of colorful rocks and newts and frogs. While you’re eyes will land on the discarded beer bottles and questionable paraphernalia, a child can stay focused on the puddles and the algae and the mosquitos. Do bring bug spray.
June is the perfect month for a creek-side picnic, so get out there before the other smart parents take the best sunning rocks and let their kids pee in the best swimming holes.
2. Paint With Water Guns
Okay hear me out—maybe it’ll be fine.
I saw this idea on a proper parenting website; don’t just dismiss it as some crazy thing I cooked up for my newsletter.
Apparently, some parents think it’s a fun activity to load paint into water guns and then let their kids create art. I’m not sure if those parents have thousands of maids. I don’t know if the children have tremendous aim and self control. It wasn’t clear if this was a summer project for 30-year-old children who still live with their parents. I’m just saying, this is an activity I’ve read about. If you try it with your kids, lemme know how it goes. I will not be trying it. Paint-filled water guns? This is absolute lunacy.
3. Make Ice Cream
Sure, you can make ice cream with an ice cream maker… if you’re the type of lazy person who wants to make a lot of something without doing much work. If you don’t have an ice cream maker, here’s the cheap, easy, physically exhausting way to make ice cream at home.
Put a cup of half and half in a small Ziplock bag. Add 2 tbsp of granulated sugar and 1/2 tsp of vanilla extract. Seal that bag.
In a bigger bag, load in a bunch of ice cubes and shake in a little salt. Put your little bag with the ice cream fixings into the bigger bag. Zip that second Ziplock and then start shaking. Shake the $%!# out of that bag. Shake until you wish you hadn’t started this project. You can ask your kids to do the shaking, but we all know that won’t work. Those little arms can’t shake the way this ice cream needs to get shook. I want you to perspire a little. I want you to think about how embarrassed you’d be if people saw the strain on your face while you do this kind of shaking. At the end of the shaking, you should need to lean against that bag of ice to calm the spasms in your back.
Serve with sprinkles and enjoy.
4. Put in a Pool After a Receiving a Significant Legal Settlement
In the early 2000s, before I’d met my wife, her father was shot in a hunting accident. Took a shotgun blast at point-blank range and he’s got some gnarly scars in his arm, chest and back to prove it. He’s a gigantic man and proudly claims to have not fallen down after the buckshot ripped through him.
The point is, my in-laws have a beautiful swimming pool. It has a nice shallow end for the kids and a deep end for jumping and diving. It’s a great spot to have a little family barbecue while the kids splash and play. We’re heading to Maine in August and I can’t wait to enjoy some family time by the pool.
Something to think about the next time you go hunting.
5. Make 1,000,000 S’Mores
You’re probably thinking, “A million s’mores? That can’t be free.” Here’s the thing: it totally can be.
You see, every single one of your friends who has gone camping in the last year has three bags of marshmallows and two boxes of graham crackers just sitting in the garage. They bought these items under the spell of camping excitement, having forgotten how freaking long it takes to make and feed a single s’more to a child. They came home with at least 100 marshmallows and probably two unopened cracker packages. If you ask, I bet they’re more than willing to donate these provisions to your cause.
The chocolate is a little trickier, as few people let a Hershey’s bar go uneaten. However, have you ever thought of getting a little crazy with your s’more recipe?
A college friend/power mom recently posted pics of a camping trip in which she made s’mores with REESE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS INSTEAD OF HERSHEY’S. CAN YOU EVEN? I CAN’T EVEN.
What chocolate do you have around the house, hidden from children, for use in case of emergency only? It’s summer, you have to keep your kids entertained from 6am until 10pm because the sun refuses to set, so this might be your emergency. Warm up a marshmallow and smash it between two graham cracker halves with whatever chocolate you’ve got—M&Ms, Reese’s, an old unlabeled bar that’s just in the tinfoil and doesn’t look very appetizing anymore. Your kids won’t care about the chocolate because they’ll be too busy getting marshmallow goo in their hair and on the furniture.
S’mores are best done fireside, but no judgement if you use the microwave. If you do have a little fire pit in the backyard, have those water guns full of paint handy for an artsy spray-down of the coals before bed.
6. Whoa It’s Fall Already
As you start to get overwhelmed by summer activities, remember that it’s pretty much over already. You have something planned for every weekend from now until Labor Day. You’re gonna blink and it’ll be July 4th, then blink again and your kids will be in school. It’s pretty much October right now. Time to buy more Halloween candy since you used all the reserves on those s’mores.
I love summer. I love trips to the pool and walks by the river and little outings to the ocean. I get a little stressed about how expensive all the activities can be, but I think these workarounds can help you save a buck or two while still having the type of fun your kids have come to expect.
Let me know how it all goes, especially if you try for the legal settlement thing.