4 Exciting Ways Your Kids Will Ruin Thanksgiving
Its not always the obvious "Light Aunt Nancy's dress on fire."
Thanksgiving is one of, if not my very favorite holiday. It hasn’t always been that way, and it’s also no longer true. Hold on, let me start over.
In my late teens and early 20s, Thanksgiving became one of my favorite holidays. I would come home from being a poor college graduate and eat gluttonously for five days without spending a dime. It was a indulgent, nostalgic vacation—a trip back in time and an escape from real life.
Last year my son started antibiotics for pneumonia the day before Thanksgiving. It’s hard to enjoy food and family when your kid’s eyes are all sunken and his breathing sounds like someone trying and failing to start an old Buick. There were a bunch of kids he wanted to play with, but after running two steps he’d have a 10-minute coughing fit.
Thanksgiving as a parent is very different. I still have the same excitement about the holiday—super pumped for rolls and stuffing and gravy and cranberries and wine and pie—but when the evening arrives, I know I’m going to be searching for the bag with the extra pants because my daughter wanted to try to the deviled eggs and a red speck made her think it was spicy so she spit everything out on her leg.
Before you get too excited about eating and drinking, here are some sneaky ways your children might turn your Turkey Day into a Herky-Jerky Day™!
1. You’ll Leave a Child at Home
Listing this first because it’s the least likely and I want to get it out of the way. It’s also hard to blame this entirely on a child, but no matter.
One time I left my infant inside a Starbucks for about 20 seconds. It wasn’t long enough for more than two or three people to notice an abandoned baby, but it stuck with me. And I had, like, nothing going on that day.
On Thanksgiving, we have to cook a bunch of food, gather kids clothes and toys, and I have to dress slightly nicer than usual, which means finding my slacks and taking a shower so that I can steam the wrinkles out of those slacks. I’ll be in a hurry because I’m excited to see out-of-town guests over at my parents’ place, and so I feel like it’s not out of the question that, after taking a lot of care to pack the blueberry pie somewhere in the vehicle where it won’t flip over, I leave at least one kid in the house and drive off.
Upon arriving at my parents’ house, someone will say, “Where’s ______?” No matter how fast I run home, retrieve the child, and get back to the party, that’s all anyone will talk about and the day will be ruined.
We all get excited about eating too much. Make sure to do a head count before you leave the house.
2. Your Son Will Bring a Stray Cat Inside
Our little boy has a big heart. Really, really loves all living things. We can’t go for a walk without him stopping five or six times to pet a neighbor’s dog or talk to a bird in a tree.
Since his love knows no bounds, he’ll absolutely bring any kind of creature indoors. He caught a black widow with this little bug-catcher-magnifying-glass thingy and waltzed that monster right inside the house to show us. If venomous critters are allowed in the living room, non-venomous pets are absolutely allowed at the dinner table.
Keep in mind Thanksgiving dinner starts early in the day for a lot of people. Kids feel safer going out while there’s still some daylight, the neighborhood cats are still frolicking about, and suddenly there’s an unknown animal inside. Am I expecting my son to destroy Thanksgiving in this manner? No, not really. If I saw a stray animal running through the house and climbing the curtains and shattering everything, would I know exactly who let it inside? You bet.
3. Your Daughter Will Request a 5th Outfit Change
Our sweet little girl is a clothing contrarian. It’s incredibly frustrating, to the point of almost being impressive. When it’s time to get ready for school and we tell her it’s cold outside, she’ll look me or her mom dead in the eye and say, “I want shorts.”
On hot summer nights, she wants footie pajamas. She turns her nose up at flip flops until it starts raining. If we so much as mention the word “dress,” she’ll take a door off the hinges and somehow get it in the garbage disposal. Again, frustrating but impressive.
We’re going to try to get her in a dress for Thanksgiving. Once or twice a year, we can get away with saying, “Oooooh, so-and-so will really like this dress,” and then she’ll wear that dress to impress so-and-so, not her parents. Shortly after so-and-so has seen her dress, she’s ready to change into a bikini or a parka, whichever is less appropriate for the weather.
On Thanksgiving, she’s going to want to change at least three times without reason. We’ll plan accordingly, packing at least three extra outfits. Then, the likelihood that she spills cranberry relish/an entire gravy boat on her final outfit are sky-high, so at that point it’s either get her back in the original dress (hahaha you fool) or some other combination of previously worn clothes. God forbid one of the other kids in attendance has a color pattern she likes—she’ll want an exact replica of their outfit and then we might as well just call it a night.
4. They’ll Just, You Know, Talk the Whole Time
We get together with a few different families for Thanksgiving each year, and we’ve been seeing the same folks since I was a kid. It’s a wonderful tradition, made more magical by all of our growing families.
I look forward to seeing those people very much. I look forward to them seeing my kids as well. But also… I don’t see much of anyone else when my kids are there. I know, I know, someday I’ll never see my kids and I’ll long for the days when they bothered me with endless non sequiturs. For now, I’d love to have a conversation without being screamed at to come determine who is the rightful owner of a rubber band.
This is the most likely way my kids will bring down the mood on Thursday. I’ll be catching up with someone I haven’t seen in a year and suddenly I’ll hear “DADA!” shouted in my ear from a couple feet away; for the next hour I’ll be addressing whatever irrelevant topic my kids thought needed my immediate attention.
Thanksgiving is a very grown-up holiday. Lots of sitting and eating and talking, many cooked vegetables, delicate plates and stemware that shouldn’t be anywhere near the unpredictable body of a three-year-old. It’s a time for adult people to do adult things, and yet there’s a good chance I’ll spend the night kneeling by the kids table, wiping sweet potato casserole off my wrinkled slacks, and arguing with my kids about how many bites of turkey they have to eat to get both a slice of pumpkin pie and cheesecake. I’ll be frustrated and annoyed and too far away from my wine glass.
And then I’ll look at my parents, sitting right next to their wine glasses, smiling and nodding while they watch me go through a mild version of what I put them through.
Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone.